Unleashed

I am untapped
Sexually charged
Passionately filled
Ready in wait

I have reached a plateau
And am where I have been trying to go
I am there
I am here

I am this moment
I believe
I see
I am love and light

I am unleashed
To be just me
A rare commodity
A precious stone

I am ready to go
To let all my pent-up-ness go
To be opened like a flower
And sucked on sweetly

I am ripe for the picking
Nothing to overcome
Nothing to see
As I just need to be aware

Just be me
Me, who is now
Not me yesterday
As that girl is gone

I see her like a faded memory
I get who she is
I know she is not me
I have no regrets about this

I am opened up
Like an old creaking door
That never thought it would emerge
Never thought it would be

I am new
I am old
I am me
And that is what I love most

I have spent most of my life
Caged
Imprisoned by my fears
Shut down
Lonely on purpose

I have been wrong
Sorry
Created much drama
Much separation

But none of that was me
I am beautiful and kind
Talented and passionate
In love with me and my life

I have been let go
With an early parole
I am ready and unleashed
But in no hurry

As this moment is right
It is perfect and kind
I am just there
I see it, the top

And sometimes
It means you need to be about others too
I get I am here
But there is still much for me to do

I am responsible
For what takes place for me
But also for people in my life
Ones I most hold dear

As I do play a role with them as well
As I am willing to give
Not just receive
And I think it is truly about that as well

I am excited for my future
As I look on I see what I want
I feel happy to know me
And to love me

I feel cherished by those who know me best
I do not feel beaten down any longer
I feel like I have risen above it all
Become who I was meant to be

I have such gratitude for everything
Hard and horrible that I had to go through
Tough and dirty that showed me who I am
Painful and stretching that showed me the way

I accept it all
I invite what I most want to happen in my life
I embrace not just who I am
But also who I am becoming

I am me
Wonderful and beautiful me
And I am satisfied with just that
And I am ready for so much more

Ready for all I wanted
But never thought I could get
Ready for all I needed
But never could ask

I am on fire
Sweet and sensual
I am passionately ablaze
Inside my delicious form

It is the most amazing feeling
To know you have worked so hard
For a year and half at something
Something, many things, me, my life
That you never thought you would get to

And it is amazing to finally be one
One with who you knew you would be
One with what you saw would take place
Inside, I mean
As I knew that was the point

What I most worked on changing
As the outside looks so similar
But it doesn't matter
Hasn't in a while

The outside is easily changeable
It's the inside that you have all the hard work
But also all the control
And when you change that
The outside changes too

I am raw
I feel Intensely able
I have seen my Intelligence and strengths
And I feel Imaginatively me

It is so good to be here
And I am so grateful
For all the hard shit
I went through

As without it
I would not know myself
Or love myself
Or be myself

Things happen for a reason
Even the hard stuff
And the unthinkable
Serves it's purpose

As now I am self sufficient
Something I always wanted to be
I not just take care of me physically
But emotionally and mentally

And all that had to happen
To bring me here
Was worth it
Even thought it hurt and was hard

And since I arrived
I am ready for what's to come
Excited about my next journey
As it is about to begin

And whence I used to be afraid
Now I am not at all
But instead I am boldly walking forward
To meet my sweet future

I receive everything I ever wanted
As knowing I can have it
Makes it so
And everything was worth it to get me here

Life is what you make of it
Things happen that we are ready for
And it isn't until you get that
That you can have it

It is why I will always be grateful to my hell
As it taught me most what I don't want
And most what I do want
And with both of those I continue to climb

Up the next mountain
On to my next journey
As life doesn't stop
Because you have arrived

As you have always been there
And seeing that was also the point
But lessons keep coming
And I take them all in stride

With my overwhelming love and gratitude
I keep hiking, but not alone
Starting the new year off right
Just in time to greet 2010

Love
Light
Me
Life

Changes over time
Make it all possible
And I believe everything I feel is right
And the truth will not be a surprise

I am worth it
I deserve it
With acceptance for me and my life
And I am ready and excited for all that awaits

Walking up walls

Take me down to the bottom
Let me see what's inside
As if I don't understand it
I'll never be able to get any higher

Sitting in my muck alone
Is appropriate for what I am learning
If I don't understand it
I can't change it

I have to go down
In order to go up
And while sometimes it is hard
It is good for me

All for a purpose
All inside me
And I am learning
Profound things

But sometimes it just seems
Opposite of good
Like I will never get there
Or be done with this path I am on

Done with this hardship
Awake and happy
Done with the separation
Trying so hard

Sometimes
Even though I see the reason
The truth is not apparent to me
And I feel foolish or left behind

And sometimes
I feel the in between
Me and what I see
And this dream

Closer it comes
The more I see
The more I understand
About me

Opposites
In my mind
Take control
And keep me grounded

Letting go
Gives me freedom
Hope fills me up
Hopefully for a reason

But darkness
Or doubt
Laughter makes it flee
And still all I see is me

Me and this thing
Sometimes both together
Sometimes they take turns
And other times my heart just burns

Going up
To go down
Why I feel so turned around
Life seems to be scooting by

And I can't understand
What my mistake still is
I feel so foolish
Like I don't control my mind

I want to make these changes
But sometimes I still fall back on my face
And I used to kick myself a lot for this
And now I know it does no good

So I just accept my failure
Sit with me
And try and find some fucking peace
But it only comes in rationed amounts

Until I break on through
To the other side
Than I am flooded with all
And I feel at ease inside

Instead of putting myself down
I learn what else to do
But sometimes still feel so fucking confused
And not yet freed

But it doesn't matter now
As I am learning how to be me
Which is a full time job
One that I do seriously

And the progress I have made
Doesn't amount to much
But it's not over yet
As I know I am not done

And I am not as confused
Or full of pain
Not like yesterday
When all it did was rain

But now drama still hits my side
But honestly
Rarely
Is it mine

Something else for me deal
And while I have the me project still
Changing and growing
Over time

But as much as I put in
The work is still all mine
And I see that it is not as hard as before
But still can't budge open the fucking door

Maybe I can scale the wall
I am making good progress
It is the long way about
When the door is right there

I know it won't be opened
Until I have yet to see it all
And in time it will be so simple
And then I will be one with what I see

But I am not one who sits and waits
I take all things in my own hands
Turning and churning them
Until they become what I want

I say what happens in my life
I say what goes
It is not about anyone else
Never was

I am responsible
I am king
And until I get that
I won't get a thing

That I see or desire
Burning and dancing in this sweet fire
But since it was told long ago
I have learned to believe it so

Believe first in me
And second in how to do most anything
And the rest I just sit and wait
As I have already seen my fate

And I choose it
I accept it
I have learned to let it be
Be, me who is now

It is worth every bit of my time
Worth all of this line by line
And when I reach the point of execution
I will not run away this time

Needed

I need so many things
I need you
I need me
I need to be loved as I am

I need to be touched
Gentle and comforting
I desire much
And have pretended different my whole life

I need to understand me
Accept me as I am
I need to put my needs first
And not ignore them anymore

I need to right all the wrongs
Of my troubled youth
I need someone to see me as I am
Know I am loved beyond a shadow of a doubt

And not forget who I am
Or that I am human too
A human with needs
As opposed to whom I tried to be

Be because he touched me
And I couldn't understand
My brain got all fuzzy
And my heart got cemented over

I think it's the reason why
I never wanted to be touched
Because really I do
And was afraid people wouldn't

Or afraid they would touch me
And hurt me
In a bad way, like he did
Not love me

It is most confusing
And I can see now
I created distance and separation
My whole life

I need to be forgiven
By myself first
I need to be forgiven
By you next

I need to be aware
Of what happens to me
And aware of what others really want to do
And stop looking to see what I want to see

I need to be made love to passionately
By one person only
As I have played the field
And find it most unfulfilling

I need one pussy
To satisfy me fully
One that I love
One that I understand

And one that has stuck with me
Through all kinds of hell
I need to be loved
And love only that one

I need to be comforted
While I cry
I need to have a reason to live
And let go of who I used to be

I need to see myself
As the amazing gold mine
I truly am
Even though I am flawed

Flawed like the number of twinkle stars
Overwhemling and bright
Especially seen on a clear night
But not even wrong

As I need to also see we are all flawed
And even with my many failures
I am succeeding with grace and style
And life is not so bad

I need to see the good too
Not just what I need to work through
But how far I have come
And truly the difference I have made

And how loved I am
I need to remember that too
As I am loved by many
So many people to love back too

I need to see
How bold and fearless I am
The strength I have amazes me
And I need to see it for what it is

I need to also see
That I do whatever it takes
To love someone
Or free myself from my self hate

It is amazing
And phenomenal
And pretty cool too
And this I need to see as me

What a gift I am
When I let myself be
And listen to ME
Not my fears

As I need to live in this moment
And see it's glory for me
And shuck the past
And be who I am

I need to be respected
And not pushed away
I need to be pulled close
And know it is ok

I need to let others in
And trust they want the best for me
Will be there for me
And not test me anymore

I need to write everything I feel
And share it too
And then let it go
So I can emerge

I need to create everyday
Write, paint, act, and play
I need to let loose my artistic side
And uncover more of me

I need to accept the love I feel
Stop fighting it
Stop trying to make you and it go away
I need to let it be

As I feel best when I do
When I accept this moment
And all that is in it
Including you, I feel life is sweet

When I try and push you away
I suffer until I let it be
And what I am learning
As accepting is what I need

I need to let the past go
So I don't push people away
Making the same unhealthy mistakes
As the moment says to love

And when I seclude my heart
And cover myself
I am not being in the moment
But letting the love be is so what I need

Easier said than done
But I am almost there
As I am learning what the point is
And am almost ready to see it through

I need to stop wallowing
In self pity and doubt
But be optimistic about what is coming
Even though it remains to be seen

I need to bring forth
My hearts most desire
Really give it my all
And for you too

As it has been the point of it all
To see that I could do it
To be who I truly am
To be open to myself

And I am learning
Maybe I haven't arrived yet
But I am learning
And letting go of who I am not

I am changing many things
And giving myself so much of what I need
I am taking care of myself in a new way
And the rest I see will wait

And in time I will get all else that I need
What I have already seen
And for now it is ok
Because most of all I just need me

Me vs my ego

I feel alone
Ordinary
Lied to
Needy

I feel extraordinary
Powerful
Strong
Passionate

Nothing changes
Everyone lies to me
No one loves me
Promises never get kept

I see beautiful things
Down the road my life rocks
With everything I want or need
I am patient enough to get there

It's never gonna happen
It's just been promised to me
But we all know how that "really" goes
Why does everyone hate me?

It's gonna happen faster than I think
My hearts tells me so
And I have learned how to ignore what I think
I am loved by many, even you,

I screw up everything
If I touch it I ruin it
I am ruined
No hope for me yet

If I listen to my hearts most desire
I can make most anything happen
And the things I am learning are worth the journey
I am grateful for all this truth that has been given

Fuck it
Fuck everything
I just want to disappear
And not do anything

I will accomplish many things
Anything I put my heart and positive mind to will be mine
Believing is the key
I am doing it, everything

I want to start a new life
One that just has me and only me
One that I can find freedom
And where no one leaves

I love my life as it is
I am gifted and happy
I have the most awesome talents
And aren't afraid to use them

Blah
I feel blah
Nothing in and nothing out
Don't give anyone anything

Nothing ventured
Nothing gained
I am already on top of what is coming
It is because of me that my life is changing

I don't care
I don't like anyone
I wish I were dead
No one understands me

I don't have to pay attention to that
I deserve more especially from me
I am happy as I am
Life is good

I am love
I am light and forgiveness
I am human
I am me

I am hate
I am darkness
And don't care what goes to waste
I also don't know the truth

I have learned the difference
Between me and my ego
Although sometimes
I still get confused

I just have to remember
If it makes me feel bad or sad
Afraid or hate
Than it is the ego

As for me I only feel right
Love and light
And all the other bullshit is not me
It's not you either

But wonder did I fool you
As you think all these things might be true
But until you turn around the negative
The truth will never be seen

Fiery Winged Lioness

These are the attributes that each element of my tattoo, represent
about me and who I am becoming or how I feel.


Fiery winged Lioness
(whole thing represents)

Animals everywhere free
Animals protected by the Light
One with Mother Nature
Spreading your wings and being who you are
My commitment to Lions and all animals
Making a difference
Be


Fire

Passionate
Fire sign
Firey
Dancing in fire
Dancing in my fire
Dancing in Jens fire
Powerful
Strong
Resilient
Bold
Unbreakable
Unaffected
Not controlled
Makes up it's own mind
Truth-what you see is what you get
Content
Being what it was created to
Really being at peace being self
Newness
Starting over
Wild
Energy
Raw
Hard layer burned off
Softness exposed
Vulnerable
Sultry
Be


Female Lion

Leo
Lioness
Fierce
Loyal
Strong
Powerful
Determined
Bold
Doesn't give up
Try, try again
Teamwork
Share
Accepting of help and support of others
Living life on own terms
Not settling
Making it happen
Guiding force
Being who was created to be
Content with self
Nurturing
Caring
A good mother, attentive and accepting
Gentle
Passionate
Fiery
Going to tackle person, problem or issue and work it out and make it
work until it does
Never give up
Seeing life simply
Get what want most
Fun
Laughing
Bonding
Together most happy
Living in the moment
So forgiveness for everything and everyone all the time
Be


Wings

Flying
Soaring
Reaching new heights
Able to see self and others from a different view
Not attached to life
Life constantly is changing, moving
Learning how to be safe and accepted in new places
Learning how to comfortable without a permanent place
Happy anywhere
Happy here, now
Love life
Able to move on to better me
Not stagnant
Static?
Comforted
Sheltered by self
Peaceful
All I need is me
Truly contented by self
Able to free self
Powerful
Strong
Be


Crown

Queen
Elegant
A good leader
Noble
A snob-with food
Only certian things are good enough
True
Supportive
Strong
Stable
Fun
Wise
Master at what I seek
Teacher
Student
Seeking council when appropriate
Going it alone when appropriate
Doing without at times
Always getting what I need
Living in the moment
Love
Live
Life
Be

Not a word

Not a word is said
Once their minds are made
And not another thought is given
Once the tracks are laid

Silence
Quiet
Eerie and stoic life becomes
As how can you NOT say another word?

Don't you want freedom?
Peace and completion
How can you carry this shit/the past
And NOT EVER look back?!

How can you contend with the lies you spin
Sitting in your own web
Waiting for it to do you in
And of course for it all you blame me

Like you were my robot
And I had the remote
And I made you do all sorts of evil
But you don't see it that way

All because things you didn't want to hear
Were said anyway
As you can't handle your own life
So you can't listen to an outside view

Things are said
It doesn't mean you have to respond or act
In fact, a truly responsible grown up
Knows how to LET shit go

And if you don't
You only can look to yourself
As it is your decision to hold onto it
And it DOESN'T FUCKING matter what I said

If you get upset over things people say
You spend your whole life reacting
Or you corner yourself in
And can never come out

But an easier way
Is to ignore or let it go
And they are actually options
That YOU can control!

Children blame others
They even blame inanimate objects for their pain
They don't see how they had a role
In the fact the corner hit their toe

But an adult will recognize
That if they had moved a little to the right
They would not have been in so much pain
They see they have a choice

And adults that are truly grown
Also learn how to let the pain go
Children don't get the difference
So I guess we figured out what you are

Not to be rude
But after 13 years
Walking away
And sending a one line text

Is pretty fucking childish
Selfish, stupid and not right
And all I wanted to do
Was leave love and completion in your sight

As I am not like you
I don't want to be
I am much better than that
I can find love still

I can give it
As hardness of heart and lies and games
ONLY affect me
And I KNOW I deserve better

Maybe you don't
Maybe you feel so shitty about yourself
Maybe not
I don't really care anymore

I am just going off on how you act
Mean and childish
And a sad sorry sight to see
Glad I don't have to anymore

And here is a tip
If it leaves someone hurting or scared
It is evil you are bleeding
And you can run, but not hide

As your own shit
Will get you in time
And you can try and blame me
But it will never be my fault!

As you did the walking
Over what
I still don't know!
As you can't even say so!

What a fucking waste
And most definitely a shame
But while you carry it and me too
I let the past go and move on

How can someone walk away
Over mere words
Simple words
A, E, I, O, U and all the constants too

How can people let what is said
Dictate what they do
Or how they think
It just doesn't make any sense

At least not to me
As I am a different type
I can see past the lies and pain
In to what is real

I suppose it is embarrassing
To change your mind and all
But when your heart breaks
Do you mend it or put it away?

As if it were me
What I was doing
Leaving over something stupid
Would break my heart

So much that I would want to make a new start
Put the past where it belongs
Safe and snug and right
And keep it there as not to fight

And start new
Laugh and sing
And move forward
And let the past be complete

But other people
Are NOT me
And while I can see inside
I don't understand, at all

So I wonder
I ponder and I think
What would it be like?
If that were me?

And it is hard for me to know
But I feel the anger screaming through the walls
I feel the pain tumbling on the floor
I see the hurt crying out of the eyes

I feel the room fill up with pain and regret
I see the desire to make things right
I understand the wish that all was not said
Because they cannot forgive

I sense the regret
And the way too much pride
I see how fallen people can be
And in time I wish them to truly see

She can't

She can't help herself
Afraid of what's to come
Feels shitty about who she is
Is envious of me

She is afraid of me
Afraid to face herself
And since I have overcome my past
She feels like she has to

But she doesn't want to
It scares her so
She doesn't know how
To make the past heal

She doesn't like it that I can help myself
As when did that happen
We were both the same
Her and me

For thirteen years the same
And now I am free
And desire many new things
And am going after them

And that scares her to bad
She can't have that
It isn't what she knows
And her fear swallows her whole

So instead of admitting
That she could be more like me
She must leave
As she thinks it means being free

But it will never have a fucking thing to do about me
And until she understands that
It won't rest inside her
And I bet she will still blame me

And that is ok
I am prepared to lose her
I will sacrifice our friendship
Just for her to move past this place

All I did was speak the truth
Something I have seen
Chains and boxes she is in
Trying to set her free

She just sits and waits
For what is her fate
And she remains unhappy
But doesn't see herself

And life is moving on
But she doesn't see it
Love is coming close
But she can't feel it

And I am walking away
Loving myself every day
And making anything and everything happen
And one day soon I will have it all

But for her it's never gonna be my fault
This shit people put upon me
Can only effect me if I let it
So with them I drop it too

And focus upon myself
Beautiful and talented
Powerful beyond all imagination
Going many places

I don't need those who can't follow
I don't see those who let fear take control
I am not in the business of saving anymore
So do it yourself

As I am nobody's life raft
But my own
If I save you
Who will save me

As you aren't even drowning
You just think you are
And for me to save you
Is only enabling you

I take care of me
And you take care of you
Asking for help is not so bad
But you must depend upon yourself

And that is what I have learned
What I see
And what feels right to me
So don't take it personal

But I wish you luck
With all you do
And most definitely Happiness
As no matter what I love you

And when you see my art up
All around town
Don't be sad
As I know we planned on doing it together

But look inside
And you'll see
That you weren't ready for what I was
And that's the real reason why you had to leave

Divorced

Back in April of 2009
I recently got married
I married my best friend
And so shortly after it has come to an end

I am divorced now after 13 years of friendship
It was a quick and almost painless procedure
As I had no legal bullshit to deal
The law doesn't recognize me you see

And this marriage was the no sex kind
And the law would never recognize that
Or would they
Two faced Bastards

Maybe if gays promised not to have sex
The law might go along with it
I bet they would
Fucking control freaks

I bet most of the gay haters
Are jealous as they can't come out
Anyhow off topic
So back to me

Oh yeah
I am single again
Left at the alter once more
I suppose it is good for me

Divorced
Over something stupid
Isn't it always
People don't get the point

They don't see that in the end
The stupid things people say or do
Won't matter
And with forgiveness you can begin anew

But my heart feels hurt
And I am sad
I miss her
And she is not the type to forgive

She kicks people out
For many many reasons
If they do what she doesn't like
Or just cross an imaginary line

And I get she is scared
And hurt
As getting kicked out of her house was an unexpected turn
But I did nothing to deserve this

She just went berserk
And I guess she needs to move on
Find another friend
As I can't be her only till the end

Sometimes evolving
Can be the loneliest trek
You ever took up the mountain
But I must carry on

And maybe the ones who fall away
Maybe it's better that way
And it's ok
But is it really?

Why do I have to care so much
Why can't I be like the rest of the flock
Dumb and Numb
Blindly following

I am so hurt
But again I accept it
It's ok
It always is

Nobody breaks me
I guess it's just what she needs
Why do they all need
To be free of me?

Do I get in the way that much?
Or is it that I love too much?
Am too confronting?
And they get scared?

I don't know
I guess it doesn't matter
I hope one day
I won't be used to it

People choosing their shit over me
High tailing it out
And blaming me the whole way
Saying awful things about me without understanding and compassion

Sigh
Ugh
I am ok
Nobody breaks me

But maybe I'll be more careful
And not give it all away
It seems that people don't want real
And I don't know how to be fake

Written December 4, 2009

Brokenable me

Broken
Not no more
Why do people think
They can actually break me

I guess they are just broken
Broken and empty
Young and dumb
And heartless

I mean you
James Heartless
Or close enough to your real name
At least you were heartless with me

All those times you put me down
And called me awful names
My hurting body felt so dirty
And for what was your game

I spent two hours
Facing, with dread and strength
To what you did to me
Did with out care

Did like a king sitting on a throne
While you raped me
Made me do things for you
Things I didn't want to

Never wanted to do
But you knew it
Didn't care
And in my mind, I got the hell out of there

You can't change the past
But the brain doesn't know
The difference between real and imagined
And the past is just a story anyway

So I decided to leave
And put an end to letting you
Use me
To please you

So fuck off
And don't care
As you are an one dimensional freak
And I am letting you go

I have to go back
And sit inside
Your fucking joke behavior
Your evilish pride

But with strength and power
I will conquer you
And all the fucking others too
And one day soon
There will be no trace inside that you ever existed

As I am stronger
Than you
Better too
And I have me to carry me through

And while you will only have you
I would feel sorry for you
But don't think you actually know any different
As you must be the blindest person I've known

It wasn't easy
In fact it hurt and felt excruciating
To face what you did
To look at my mistakes

The whole world would have changed
If I could have heard my own voice sing
But I was already too hurt
And been there before

So I couldn't see
What you had planned
And to face myself
Screaming no and crying

Was too much to bear
As I didn't know it then
And couldn't help her out
But I tried anyhow

As I felt my defenses shut down
And my body try to run and hide
And from somewhere deep inside
Came up this strength

And instead of running away
I stood firm to my healing
And when my counselor asked me
What I wanted to do

Did I want to stop for now
Or go on somehow
And from deep inside my answer rose
"Whatever it takes" was my name

As I am done letting others finish me off
Done pretending I don't matter
I will do whatever it takes
To make it right with me

Whatever I have to face
Crying or in pain
Whatever I have to do
To be without all of you

As this is over now
What was done to me
So many years ago
Is coming to an end now

So instead of turning away
I started to let you go
And it was not easy
But I did it

And what I did achieve was amazing
Especially for what you did
And inside it all
Coming out you see

Is a better version of me
One who won't be knocked down again
One who isn't afraid of the unknown
One who will not take your shit ever again

A person with such strength
She amazes even me
And this is my life
And you won't ever get it again

Metamorphis

I am changing again
Becoming less and less
Apart of my surroundings
And more apart of you

I don't feel like one of the crowd
I feel so singled out
So different
I don't belong anywhere
But can fit in anywhere

I feel so removed from life
And while I can understand most anyone's feelings
I don't get at all how strapped down to this life they are
They don't see what is coming

I can't tell anyone
Deaf ears are common in my presence
The soul only wants to live for today
But they don't see that deep down the soul desires truth and knowledge

I feel badly for them
Never awake
Sleeping sound tight as they walk from place to place
Life tries to push them to see
And they don't want to see

I feel like I have fallen out of life
Left to wander alone in the desert
A few people within sight
But chosen to be alone

Lucky me
God tells me I will find happiness
But I have yet to see it
I only know learning at the school of my soul

Desire dies slowly among all the wreckage of yesterday
Letting go of what used to be
Wanting still
But closing all the doors
Just to have them opened up again

Who I am to become
Will I ever be satisfied where I am
Running faster still
Trying to sit still

Blurry And seperating
Life is taken from me
Whence I used to not feel like I belonged
Now I know I don't belong, anywhere

People are easy to fool
All you have to do is act like their souls says they want
You have to listen carefully
Then you repeat and they are fooled

I am long since over being fooled
More information than I want fills up my head, heart and soul
My mind gets caught between theirs
And their secrets are whispered

I feel what they do
I see what they want
I get who they are
I try and help, but really want my own life

I feel like the kid in the sixth sense
He sees something no one else does
I get what others don't
And at times I don't know what to do with it


Happiness remains on the horizon
And I feel sailing out to sea
Life is failing me
But it is for a higher purpose
But still I wish I could fly away

Like with Dumledore's Pheonix
In an instant I would be gone
As reality is not real
People are full of lies and pretend

I am learning how to look away
As it seems only the shit gets displayed
It doesn't have the same power it used to over me
And so much is already passed by

But in the mere moments that linger
Between reality and truth
I can see clearly down the road for miles
And I try and believe it is true

People have failed me so much
I think Anyone I love the most will be used against me
Cowardly, I run from what I see
But sometimes my strength amazes even me

As sometimes I can stand directly in the storm
And stand there strong and able
And sometimes I can make the most incredible things happen
And that is the truly cool part

I used to believe I wanted to be alone
Now that I am
I know it is not true
And in my safeness I persist in a dream

And as things fall into place inside me
The outside remains the same
But it no longer matters
And I am better than ok


July 24, 2009

Not again

I am not gonna go down that road
No I'm not gonna go down that road
As it takes me away from you
And it takes me away from me

It is an old and scary trail
One where we both fail
And it hurts just to take a step
So I decide to let it rest

No I'm not gonna go down that road
No I'm not gonna go down that road
As this new one is what I see
And what I want too

And this new road could have you on it
If you could learn to be free
Free from our past
Please just let it be

I am newly freed
And while freedom rings
It is alone
And my heart still sings your name

But you don't have to
No you don't have to
You really don't have to
But I want you too

As it is not just about me
Or my needs
Your happiness is more important to me
Than even what I see

But something deep inside
Is trying to be free
It pushes and pulls
And tries to come out

I try and ignore it
I have even made peace
I try and let it just be
But still persists inside me

So I'm not gonna go down that road
No I'm not gonna go down that road
As there is no point in doing so
Nothing to change

If I could get rid of you
I would still chose you
And I will never be that girl again too
But we can make it new

I will always love you
And this is not through
My heart stings for you
And this stings inside me

And my only choice
Is to speak my heart
But you don't have to listen
No you don't have to listen

So don't
But hiding it away
What will it change
It will still be, you and me

I had you
You know
Just recently
For a moment our love was free

Then you disappeared
And wrapped it all up with a bow and some string
Including me, you put me inside the box
And put it on a shelf

And now you don't look at it
No you don't look at it
But you can't take your eyes off it
As your heart doesn't lie

When you realize
People do change, I do
Than maybe you can see
That we can just be, love

As there's nothing for me to do now
No there's nothing for me to do
No there's nothing for me to do
But just be

Sept 17 2009 10:17 pm

Be yourself

I leave you at the door frame
To my quaint little bungalow
I am standing there
The door is open

You are standing there too
You smile at me
I smile back
And I bow down to you

Signaling that I want you to go too
Telling you I am good
It is OK
Go with a smile on your face

I watch you walk away
I am OK with that
Satisfied where we are now
It is good

I don't need you
But I miss you
Always miss you
I am happy and free

The door is open
And you turn around to see
And I bow once again
You are freed

I make sure you know
I am definitely OK
And you turn around
And you walk away

I want you to travel on your own
I want you to find yourself
I want you to see yourself
I want you to have great adventures

I wanted to be apart of that too
But it seems as though
You just need you
And that is good, OK

Know yourself that you can do it
Truly find yourself
Free yourself
It is really all up to you

As you may think it has to do with me
Or is my fault
But when you can really see you
You might see how that is not true

What the eyes can see
Is often not how it is
And when you can look past you
You can then see the truth

No one but you
Has power in your life
You make or break you
And when you are satisfied with you
Then you will see others too

And I want what else I need too
As this is not just about you
I see what I need to deal with most
And I am bravely going towards it

Even though it scares me
But I want to be done
With all that holds me back
And then I will be free from my past at last

Go with love for yourself
It is really all in you
About you
Already there

My bungalow is quaint now
It didn't used to be
And that signifies peace and harmony within me now
I watch you walk away

Standing there
I am alone
But you are with me
And it makes me smile again

As even though you leave
You are left behind to love me
And I return that love
From my soul to yours

Love doesn't stop
Even though separation
Love transcends all time
All space

And we are connected
Our souls embrace
But we are not alone
Everyone single soul is connected with us

There is no separation between anyone
So be kind to you
As it affects me too
It is all so true

But this is good for us
I want it to
I want you to experience what you need to wake up
I want you to be yourself

Be yourself
Be yourself
Be yourself
Be yourself

Be yourself
Be yourself
Just be yourself
Be you

I see good things

You know actually
Don't worry about it
I have seen many reasons why this is happening
And I see it as good

Not that I am telling you what to do
I am just not begging you back
As the door is open for you right now in this minute
Or next year for you to come through

Not that I am waiting
Not that I am not
I am only this moment
And this moment says I am here with you

Your wisdom is inspiring
As you always seem to know
Even if I see it to
And I am grateful

Your strength inspires me
As you seem to have so much of it
To do what I cannot
And that is good

I get we are close
I get we have gone as far as friends as we could
But I love having you in my life
That I was willing to accept anything

And you are right
I deserve to get what I want, you, all of you
And I get it
You're not ready

Hell I am not ready
What I am ready for
But I am close enough to taste it
And this is apart of that

So don't worry about a thing
Take good care of yourself
No fast food, lol
And I will be good

When you decide
Let me know
As I won't contact you
At all

And if you came here to read this
Then it is not me contacting you
It is me sharing
And that I can do here

So I feel good about this
I see fantastic things up ahead
Try and focus on yourself
Wake up, you will love the view

I am a bit sad
It was not easy at first
Until I started to see the reasons
And while it is hard, it is good

I just keeping thinking
I had my eyes on your beautiful face
One week ago today
And it was so nice

Remember
I do and will love you
No hurry
Oh, I could say a whole lot of shit

A whole lot of lies
But I don't play games anymore
So I will only speak from my heart
Where you reside

Enlightened people
Don't play games
Or let fear run things
Or place blame

So I want to thank you again
For helping me into
A bit more of me
It truly feels good

I miss you
I love you
Be safe and happy
And I hope I get to see you soon

Not that I am asking
Not expecting either
I am just being what is true, what is there
As I get it

And both respect it
And admire you taking space again
And I hope you see what you want to see
I see good things

Oh and the other poems I wrote
Are not about you
They are about me
I will not speak poorly of you at all to anybody

But I also will not turn a blind eye
Or lie to myself
About how I feel
Or what is going on between us

As if it were not the case
Then it would change most everything
But I think understand
As I know you know what I mean

Take care
I love you

I don't need

I don't need a place to hide
Someone to make the pain subside
I don't need a fight
I don't need lows or even the highs of life

I don't need a distraction from who I am
I don't need a girlfriend to be happy
I don't need anyone to call
I don't you to tell me how awesome this poem is

I don't need to be told I play beautiful music on my violin
Or paint my soul and it inspires the beauty within
And I don't need to be treated like a queen
Or be told how creative or awesome I am

It doesn't mean I don't want these things
But a want is never a need
So when I say I don't need
I am happy and fulfilled first by me

I don't need to be loved
May sound crazy but true
As all I need to do with my heart is use it
It's what it's for

I am loved
Loved by many
And God too
And so why would I need what I already have

What I do need is to love
Be happy within me
Be at peace
And be aware of all the moment brings

And that doesn't require another
It just requires me
To be open and aware
Of all I see and what is iniside me

I know my only true purpose
And the one that brings me the most peace
The place I feel most happy
Is when I am loving all I see

As when you love
Give it without any expectations
Or doubts
Or reservations

Or Restraints
And most definately
Guilt trips
And manipulations

Give it for free
And freely in massive amounts
And let it be with that person
How it is

As it may not look like you want it too
Or think it is suppossed to
And it might not get recieved well
Or in a way that is pleasing to you

They may not return it
Or say what you want
Or even what you think you need
They may do nothing

Don't be offended
Or hurt
Or anything like that
As the real reward is in the giving

And if you can look at love
Like a gift that goes sour if you hang on to it
And the only way to recieve the benefits
Is to in every moment let it go

Free it
And you will feel free
Give it
And you will feel it too

It is way better than
Expecting something in return
Or forcing and outcome
Or not giving it because of all the reasons why

And if you start the reasoning
You can come up with too many
And they serve no purpose
So let them go

Give love from your soul
True happiness and peace will follow
Health in abundance too
It's just who we are

Who we were created to be
But in a negative world
Hate is easier
But it destroys us

Love fills us up with what we need
And keeps us strong and healthy
It makes all the wrongs right
If we let it be

Love is easier

How do you hear something different
Especially when you have been told
How do you again listen
To something new

Believing what you know
Is hard
Especially when you have been told
Different for so long

Overcoming the words
To find a different reality
Is almost impossible
But it can be done

You have to work at it
Strive to achieve
You must keep your eye on the goal
Even though it remains unseen

It is a lot harder than one would think
But if you can overcome ordinary
And break past into extraordinary
Than miracles will come your way

And it can be done
Believe
Put your positive energy into each step
And put on your Imagination

It is easy for children to believe
Adults have been programed to not
If they could just believe
All would be possible

People don't want us to get hurt
They would prefer us to live safely
But I know that following ones heart
Might not be the popular way

But it is the happiest place to be
And I have many desires for my life
And many people I can rise above for
Including, always, me

How do you see past the world
Into anothers heart
How do you step outside your fears
To rise above for that same person

If you listen carefully
Your heart beats words and truth
And if you can hear your own
You can hear anothers

The impossible is possible
Truth overcomes all doubt
Life is stored inside truth
And you deserve to set it free

Believing in self is the hardest for sure
I can believe in others until I turn blue
But it is always self that gets the last look
And I think it is the best place to start

I am taking me on
For the last round
As I have come so far already
But still see road to go

As it is truly my mind
That needs attending to
As I am still easily swayed
Eventhough I have made much progress

The lies that I think
Are sometimes still powerful over me
And that is what I don't want or need
But I truly only have the power to change me

So begining with the first step
I will take the risk
And change myself into who I am
As that is all I really can do

As I no longer believe in the lie
That it is everyone but me
I do not blame or require
Another for my happiness

I cannot change you
Focusing on you won't make me better
So all I can do is change me
And then I have the real power

And if I am loving me
It won't be long before I am loving you
And that is the true point I think
Which makes sense to me

As it is not up to another
Blame or pointing fingers
Are empty excuses to not deal with thyself
But nothing can be solved through hate

It would be nice to learn to let others be
And I can do that if I am busy being me
And if you are busy being you
Then I think all would be possible

Lying is the normal way

Life happens
Love is hard
Not suppossed to be
But we humans are messy

And since so
We often use fear to save what we cherish
We often use anger to keep people away
Love is easier

But harder
And so it appears like hate
Or fate
Anger
Negativity
Pushing people away

Instead of just letting go
And being who you are now
It is "safer" to pretend
And to lie

And when you are told something
That you know for sure
You often don't know how
To listen to what you know

As it is opposite
It is contrary
Very contradicting
But not true

We are told we don't have the power
We are informed we need to follow
We think we can't do "it" alone
We are lied to

Believing is an important step
In what matters not
It is believing in ones self
That you truly find yourself

It is seeing you for whoever you are
And sometimes in doubt
Or dark moments that last
You uncover yourself

And that is worth it
But we are told to be afraid
Of all those who aren't us
And of all that stuff we can't control

But fear has no power
Other than to bring us down
Or keep us from ourselves
Or what we most want

And not many get it
And the ones who do
Don't know how
Or if they do they don't often tell you

And life is lonely
But you are never alone
There is no true seperation
And we are surrounded by many

What do we do?
We think we can't
Or shouldn't
So we don't

But we are powerful
Beyond our wildest imagination
We just don't know ourselves as such
So we carry on with lies we are told

And we all agree we should
It is easier to follow the crowd
Than to strike out on your own
But it is worth it

There is more to us than this life
Than what you see
So much that happens
Goes unseen

The mind can only register
With a small fraction
Of truth
And the rest gets discarded

So you can't believe your mind
It can jabber all day long
You can't believe your feelings
They change and subside

You can only believe you
You who is not your mind
You who is at the very core of your being
You the person, the soul

All the answers are down below
You only have to ask the question
And in asking
You get the answer, eventually

When you are ready to see
Nothing good happens until we say so
Nothing good happens until we are ready
Nothing good happens unless you mean it

As we spend most of our time
Most of our energy
On something we don't want
Something negative

And then we wonder why
It is such that
We get what we don't want
But we never see it was us

Us who was afraid
Us who day in and day out feared
And Spent countless hours believing the worst
About ourselves or each other

We let others take the power
Because we are so afraid
Even our government
Uses fear to rule us

George W
For instance
Was a fear mongering terrorist
And we all got in line to be screwed
I fell for it too

We did not stick up for ourselves
And our rights got taken one by one
And in some a handful at a time
Especially for people like me

We let them do what they want
Because we were too afraid to stand up
They used our hearts to make us behave their way
And we all got blind sided

And don't think that worrying is safe
It is the other side of a negative coin
It will hurt and harm you
Just like fear you need to let it go

Negative energy only has power
To bring forth negative results
You CAN not get good things
While you spend negative energy

If you want good
Think good
It is more than a law
It is an action for a reaction

It is common sense
It is truth at it's simplest form
It is easy, but the hardest thing
As the ego will fight you

It only knows what it don't want
And it is very protective of that
It works hard to believe the lies
It trys to convince us

The real enemy is inside
All of us
But we fight each other
We just don't know we never win

And we push away the ones we love
In an attempt to shut ourselves out
Whatever we do
We are still there

And we can't be ignored by us
And the brave face to put on
Is the one where we accept ourselves as we are
And in turn we accept truth and love

In us it flows
Out of us it flows
We try and stop it
But still it persists

And to come to terms with this
Is a powerful thing
And you have more strength than you know
So it might seem to hard

I assure you it is possible
Anything is
Everything is
All that you want or desire

We can do magical and extraordinary things
If you just give yourself a chance
And take the risk
And believe

Saying goodbye

I didn't expect that I would go back
Back to my deep hole
Back to suffering
I didn't see it coming

As I felt so damn free
But never the less
I ended up back there again
And while it hurt

This time was different
It didn't last as long
I learned deeply about me
And I became a new kind of free

It was familiar in the most usual way
But unlike yesterday
I did not want to stay
So I didn't

But what I uncovered
Was worth the journey there
And I when I saw myself truly as I am
I left

I know I won't ever go back again
Not that I don't want to
But that door no longer exsists
It has been engulfed by the light and love I feel for myself

One by one
My doors all in a row
Are being eaten by what I now know about me
As I know I am powerful to truly be free

And the journey started with a step of love towards me
I give myself who I am
I don't need to be saved
I am already free

And that is the best thing
As sometimes I don't feel that way
But it doesn't change
It is just me

I see what I have been missing
And I know how badly I used to hurt
But the love I now feel for myself
Has filled me up in such a way

That I don't need to search outside myself
When things get me down
Or my black hole reappears
I look deep inside for truth

And that is my ticket out of there
A free pass if you choose it
Before I did not get it
But now I do

And that is all I need
Me
To get me through
No one else can do it for me

Even when I don't know how
I will still find a way
As the answers lay still in wait
And all I have to do is choose to see

And in seeing I become
Understanding brings about a new
And with that I no longer suffer
I just exsist inside me

And that to me is the point
A way you get yourself free
The reasons I keep going
Are me

The new world I live in
Is one that is so sweet
As I am learning now
I want to let that be

I used feel all sorts of sadness for me
Used to think I didn't deserve it
I used to be that it won't happen
And it, was everything I wanted

But a lie only holds so much power
It can only get you for so long
You will only choose it until you have seen the truth
And the truth sets you free

If you don't believe
Take a piece of your own suffering
Ask for it to be true
And the answer might surprise you

As all these lies we pour ourselves into
Are just that
And when you get you don't need them
They fall away

And that is where I am
What an exciting place
And now that I have seen me
I know I deserve every good thing coming my way

Soulfulness

I can't trust my feelings
They are empty
Have no loyalty
They will turn on me if the right thoughts come along

Betraying me for the right price
I am persuaded out of being nice
I no longer believe what I used to
And decide to fuck the follow through

Giving up is easier
If you listen to your feelings or thoughts
As they are not stable
And change with the least persuading stimuli

And this is my down fall
As I have learned to depend only upon them
And when they are gone
I feel hopeless and without

I feel so empty
And like I don't know what to do
As they have always been there to guide me
But have betrayed me when it mattered most

So all alone
I have to decide
If I stay on this path
Or run and hide

As I know where it goes
And I know what I see
But before I had my feelings helping me
And now it is just me

Since I am not my feelings
I can look past them
And see the truth
But I am only learning to

My feelings may be hiding
But you my soul are not
And that is what I stand strong to
Firm and committed too

As within you is all the truth I need
All the answers that I cannot yet see
And this is what I am learning to be
A listener of you

My feelings tell me I am alone
They tell me I am wrong
And won't get the life I want
They betray my heart to bring me down

They screw with me
And throw my heart around
I feel empty and alone
But I don't have to listen

Can't listen
Not anymore
As shit only brings more of the same
So instead I will rise against

Strong and able
I will not fool myself again
As I know where that road goes
And I won't go there again

I will find the strength that lies deep within
To uncover what truly will be
And only inside that will I be free
Free to live a happy life for me

And I am done being a puppet
I got no strings
As I am done letting others pull them
And persuade me

So instead I will learn how to see
Around my feelings deep in me
And I will not sway or fall down
With persistence and courage I will strive

And in time I will arrive
I don't need a thing but me
To make this happen
As I already have everything

And in making this transition
I am opening up to a new me
One that can hear words that are not spoken
Deep inside others

I do not use my feelings
I listen to the flowing energy
I see what it says
And my ears are bigger for it

And I am learning what I came here for
How to be me
Without all the drama and suffering
Me just as I am

Truth is still and quiet
You have to stop to hear it
But you can
And I do

Amazing tales
Life lived right
I am no longer terrified
As I have always been

And whether it brings sadness or a grin
Sometimes that is the point
As if you aren't learning
What are you?

My Heart Cries

I turn my head

And watch you go

I smile

Though I already know

I turn to leave our place

I try to forget your face

I don't want to hang around for this

I need to leave please

So I turn to do so

And before I can

I feel the most overwehelming sense

You are coming back

I need to wait

Why is my fate

I just want to go

I do, really do

I ask

I plead

I beg to go

But the answer is just so

It comes up from my heart you see

And it cries for you

I feel it when I pose the question

I know it when I ask for it to be true

I think if I were supposed to leave

Then I am certian my heart would sing

It would gloriously send me in pursuit

I know this as I feel it answer me about you

And when she does

She only sings

When I feel love for you

Or choose you

She cries

When I turn away

Or try and run and hide from you

Which I often do

So with this truth

That I cannot deny

I will not make a decision

As it will all be told to me in time

I let you go free

And so I am in peace and harmony

As the moment will let me know

And anything else I do is protecting

And that is not good for me

As nothing is happening right now

That I need protection from

So at ease I will be

And I will not make myself wrong for trying to get away

When I knew I should stay

As when you discount your progress you are doomed to repeat it

And I am chose to be free of it

So I accept it as it is

Since I have learned this song

Now know it by heart

I let it be free inside me to do as it is

I will let it be

So my heart doesn't cry

And then in time

I will find what is right

It has taken me a long bit of time

To learn this

I refused to see it before

And slammed shut the door

Even though it caused me

So much pain

Heartache and unease

I still refused to believe

And my soul would alert me so

To what I already know

And I would turn my head ahead

As I rathered to focus on what I saw instead

But a long bit ago that was

And I have learned what to do

Do when I feel that suffering come up

As it is the same old feeling

Telling me not go that way

Telling me to stay put and wait

And when I do decide to do just that

Peace always ensues

I am sorry

Sorry for what I said
All I meant, wanted to say
Was you have the space you want
It's ok

I am not upset with you
I miss you though
I really do love you
But it's ok

Ok that you need space
Ok that you are taking it
I accept that
Forgive how it went

It doesn't matter
But you do
So do what you need
Be happy and successful

And I am here
You are with me still
And everything will be ok
I am sorry for letting it get so far

I should have known better
Things were hard enough without involving them
And I didn't mean anything or try to do anything
I just got caught up in their drama too

I took my eyes off my business
I was wrong
Am sorry
I hope you can forgive me

It was so wonderful
To just have you there
I know things are tough
I know you are busy

But if we can just be friends
I needed very little
Very small amount as I have my own stuff too
Only what you could give

It's just so much easier
To be your friend
So I will say it
Please let's just be friends

It is harder on both of us this way
Let's just not have the wall up
And you still can have your space
Slowly it can be

That is good
I really am not asking for anything else
So think it over
And I won't give you a hard time

Nothing has been done
That can't be undone
It wasn't even our fight
It doesn't have to be ours

So if you choose to put it behind us
That will be great
If you need more time
I can wait

And you are always welcome
In my life
I won't talk about you
Won't let others talk about you either

Fear makes everything hard
I get you got scared
But I am not out to hurt you
I just want to be there

Support you
Listen
Laugh
It was good at last

So please J
Let's not do all that again
It didn't get us anywhere we liked
Things will be good if we want them to be

Friends is right
What I see
And as before you won't have to do anything
We can just be

Different is me

Different
Sure
I get it
I am

I am not like your next door neighbor
Not like Jane or Sam
I am just me
And that is just ok with me

But not ok for everyone
I feel so much like the world conspires to bring you down
Even if you don't do anything wrong
You still get shit upon

And I get it
Accept it so
I am not afraid to let anything go
I just thought I could move from the past

All I tried to do
But the past seems to last
Not done trying
I will not complain either

But I am saying how I feel
And here is my space
Here I get to let it go
And it doesn't go to waste

I put myself out for all the world to see
I get back only, "Will you fuck me?"
Be with me baby
Gorgeous will you friend me

I am not looking for these kinds of things
I want what is best for me
I don't need to weed through others drama
To find out that it didn't matter anyhow
I already know

But others get caught up in it
They say they don't
But actions tell the truth
Tales are told with words

And since it so
I will not continue to believe
That life is going to hand me a fucking thing
And not that I believed it would

I assure you
I work extra hard for everything I get
And still deal with all of their shit
But I accept it as it is so

What would be the best way to get people to see the real me
As being myself is still not the way
Not that I care
I am just saying

I feel so misunderstood most times
Like people stare at me with a confusing mind
I don't remember a time
That it all seemed to just be right

Right in my life
As it feels so fucking hard
But I am over that
So why do I still have the scars

I love, listen, support and care
I stand directly in the storm
I express myself with all my flare
And still I feel others are so unaware

Unaware of who I am
And I guess I understand
As it is just who they are that they don't get
It's not about me at all

But it makes me want to reach out and explain
What difference would it make
As people are not who they think
They get caught up in all the stink

And I choose a different way to see
I guess that is my crime
I won't fall down with them on their knees and cry
I say it will all be fine

I don't see the world in the same dark light
I see love, truth, and some misunderstandings
But I also know the only power I got
Is within me

And I watch so many
Give their power away to all the negativity
And they don't get that it is just about them
And with a tiny grin, they could make it all go away themselves

And it doesn't matter what happens in their space
EVERYTHING affects them
What a fucking waste
As it doesn't have to be this way

But so many chose it
In fact, I can't think of one who doesn't
Maybe two in my life might not get swayed
But they don't see life my way

Or when the shit hits the fan
I don't get caught up in it
I can look outside of the situation and see things
And I try and explain this

But it doesn't matter people don't want to deal with themselves
They only want to blame you
Even it hurts them too
Sad it is so

As I don't want to discuss how wronged they have been
I just say to them, "Let's talk about you and where you are"
I know too much to behave that way
And I suppose they get confronted and run away

So that leaves me where I've always been
And I guess the point is learning again
But maybe there might be a new kind of person
Who can understand me the way I am

Yet to see it
I have hard time believing it
But I think it is possible
And maybe I just might get it after all

Nah I really do believe

I feel you so strong
Right now I do
I feel this awesome love for you
One that has taken me time to let be

As I wanted you to leave
Because I felt such pain
And I wanted it to stop
And it wouldn't

At times I would

Catch a glimpse of the love
And it made me happy
And it felt right

And I held onto you

And didn't want to let you go
For a second I was free
And not suffering

But it scared me

So I pushed you away
Cause you told me
You were never coming back

But, You never left
I felt you then
And I feel you now
And I am grateful

A long time ago
About a year
I spent about nine months
Trying to get rid of you

I kicked you out of my heart
I let you go a thousand times
I screamed and yelled
I cried please leave

And yet you persisted inside me

For which I am grateful
As I never wanted you to leave
I held onto you tight

But oh I tried to make you flee

I even set a bomb off inside me
You remained
But it affected me

And eventually I gave up

And let you be
And when I did
My suffering stopped

As my heart was free
To love you
And to love me
Just be

I am happy in all moments

That I let our love be
And I have noticed that since we are texting
I have made the most progress

More in four weeks
Then what I did in a year
You make happy
You do

I guess I am done denying it

As it feels like a rightful part of me
And the love we had
Has grown

And I am not keeping it in place

I am not making it
I don't have a spell on you
I am victim of it too

I just can't run from you anymore

I just couldn't close our door
I feel so freed and happy
And who I was created to be

And I can't

As much as you might say you would like
Stop or go away
It's not up to me

I tried

And now I am done
So this is me
And I am glad to meet you

As it is you

I am in love with
You I choose
Jenn

I don't need

Sep 19, 2009

I don't need a place to hide
Someone to make the pain subside
I don't need a fight
I don't need lows or even the highs of life
 
I don't need a distraction from who I am
I don't need a girlfriend to be happy
I don't need anyone to call
I don't you to tell me how awesome this poem is
 
I don't need to be told I play beautiful music on my violin
Or paint my soul and it inspires the beauty within
And I don't need to be treated like a queen
Or be told how creative or awesome I am
 
It doesn't mean I don't want these things
But a want is never a need
So when I say I don't need
I am happy and fulfilled first by me
 
I don't need to be loved
May sound crazy but true
As all I need to do with my heart is use it
It's what it's for
 
I am loved
Loved by many
And The Light too
And so why would I need what I already have
 
What I do need is to love
Be happy within me
Be at peace
And be aware of all the moment brings
 
And that doesn't require another
It just requires me
To be open and aware
Of all I see and what is iniside me
 
I know my only true purpose
And the one that brings me the most peace
The place I feel most happy
Is when I am loving all I see
 
As when you love
Give it without any expectations
Or doubts
Or reservations
 
Or Restraints
And most definately
Guilt trips
And manipulations
 
Give it for free
And freely in massive amounts
And let it be with that person
How it is
 
As it may not look like you want it too
Or think it is suppossed to
And it might not get recieved well
Or in a way that is pleasing to you
 
They may not return it
Or say what you want
Or even what you think you need
They may do nothing
 
Don't be offended
Or hurt
Or anything like that
As the real reward is in the giving
 
And if you can look at love
Like a gift that goes sour if you hang on to it
And the only way to recieve the benefits
Is to in every moment let it go
 
Free it
And you will feel free
Give it
And you will feel it too
 
It is way better than
Expecting something in return
Or forcing and outcome
Or not giving it because of all the reasons why
 
And if you start the reasoning
You can come up with too many
And they serve no purpose
So let them go
 
Give love from your soul
True happiness and peace will follow
Health in abundance too
It's just who we are
 
Who we were created to be
But in a negative world
Hate is easier
But it destroys us
 
Love fills us up with what we need
And keeps us strong and healthy
It makes all the wrongs right
If we let it be

Quick sand me

I am like the quickest sand
I slide and slither under your feet
I can't remain steady
And you fall between my grasp

It keeps me from getting what I most want
And no matter how hard I try
I don't know how else to be
I just can't believe this is me

What can this quicksand teach
I have been hurt incessantly
And still life seems to be pushing me
Towards what?
As I cannot see

Quick sand gets created under the darkest conditions
And then waits like a trap
For you to fall in

They tell you to hold still
Don't move
It does kill
But it's no use
I just slide farther down

My feet can't touch the ground
Be weary
Be afraid
And I wonder if help is coming

As sometimes in life
Not all things
Can be done alone
Eventhough I still try

Sometimes I need to let someone in
Sometimes I need to take the help
But my eyes get blurry
And all I see is me

Trapped again in a predicament
One that isn't good for me
And I get that same and awful feeling
What if I am just a burden

What if they don't want to help me?
Why should I ask if that can be?
As I am certain there must be a way out
For just me

I search and see
And sink slower still
And while all I can do is think
It is still just about me

As I am fine alone
I don't need anyone
I have it all figured out
Been working on me for a long time

I know what I can see
Just don't know what I don't see
I am only just me
And If I want to be free
I need to accept the help

And when my blurry eyes straighten out
What an alarming thing
A hand is outreached
Extended towards me

It is just in time
As my eyes are about to sink
Under the grime
As my whole world shrinks

So I put my hand out
Don't know where
I can't see anymore
And can't do this my way

And as my hand is grabbed
I start again to see
Then it is not too long
before I can breathe

A breathe of fresh air
Is sweet to me
And as my eyes become unglued
I start to see

That I was never alone
And had help the whole time
I just wanted to believe
As alone is what I am supposed to be

Doing life on your own
Is impossible
And while I try
I see now it is for not

As there is many who are willing
And want to be inside
And some who even
Need a place to give

And who do I think I am
To deny all of that
But I do know for sure
I will continue to try

As long as I am quicksand
I will find a way
To free myself by myself
And that is where I prefer to stay